After the break-up

By Dr Karen Carpenter

Valentine's Day is just behind us along with New Year's and Christmas. Each of these celebrations bring with them highs and lows. This is when many break-ups take place. If you are going through a break-up remind yourself, 'if not this, then something better'. Each relationship helps us to develop a road map for what we truly want in the long term.

Make an inventory of the areas in the last relationship that could have been better. Make those a priority in choosing your next partner. Don't deny that your ex had good qualities; instead, add them to your checklist for the future. Try to think through the low points and figure out what you would have changed. If it's something in your ex - selfishness, thoughtless behaviour, lack of intimacy and sharing - place the opposite on your shopping list.

If you lead with your eyes and your heart, selecting partners that look good to you and those that make you feel good without engaging your head, try a different approach. Sure you can lead with the eyes and the heart but take time to decide if this new partner demonstrates the qualities you lacked in your previous relationship. Are you emotionally, intellectually and sexually compatible?

emotionally compatible

Most of us will be emotionally compatible with someone who expresses themselves in similar ways to us. If you prefer to quietly talk through problems and come to a shared compromise, your partner would need to be able to take a similar approach. If you prefer to avoid problems and your partner prefers to discuss them right away, this could make life difficult. If your approach is thinking and your partner is emotionally driven, the battle lines are already drawn. Being able to fight fair is critical in making a relationship grow and last.

Intellectually compatible partners need not have the same interests, but they must be able to muster interest in their partner's likes. Think about the things that you discuss. Do your individual interests take you away from each other more than they bring you together? This is a red flag you need to consider.

Sexual compatibility doesn't just refer to whether you have similar sex drives, although this is very important to the sexual longevity of the relationship. The meaning of sex for each of you and the types of sexual activities you both enjoy is also very important. For some people sex means reproduction, for others it means fun, adventure, relaxation, creativity or stress.

Sex doesn't mean closeness; closeness comes from good sex. If you and your partner want different sexual activities, someone has to lose, and one partner settles for less and sex becomes maintenance.

In your next relationship, start with the eyes or the heart, but be sure to check in with the head.

Dr Karen Carpenter is a Florida board certified clinical sexologist and psychologist. Email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com