When a 'filet mignon woman' attracts a 'patty man'

by Dr Karen Carpenter

I come across lots of people in my line of work who wonder, 'Why am I still single?' or 'Why am I single again?' They are looking for the right partners but somehow never seem to find them. I keep telling them to build a beautiful web. If you want to attract someone who meets your criteria, you have to meet those criteria too. If you are seeking to attract someone who is honest and caring, you have to begin by being honest and caring yourself.

The patty man

I remember meeting a young woman at a party who complained that there were no men who met her standards. She was looking for a 'filet mignon' man but complained that most of the men she met were pizza or patty men. I asked her, "Are you a filet mignon woman?" She looked puzzled and stopped talking. Later that evening she asked me what I meant.

"If you keep attracting pizza and patty men," I said, "it may be that your behaviour is pizza behaviour."

You see, if you are filet and a pizza man comes along, you might be interested in the change at first, but you can't keep fooling yourself that pizza tastes like good steak. Sooner or later, you would have to give up the pizza. Naturally, if you decide that you are a caviar woman, you may have to wait a lot longer to find your caviar man.

Opposites don't attract

To some extent we attract what we are, but also we attract what we lack, at least for a short while. Research shows that opposites do not attract except for a very short time. This initial attraction of opposites is what is known as the novelty effect. We find the other person interesting because they represent our shadow side. Our shadow can be good or bad, but often it is the opposite of who we are.

When we compromise our standards, we often attract our negative shadow side. Someone who believes in honesty might attract a compulsive liar. Someone who believes in fidelity might attract a cheat. In the end, however, filet mignon likes to hang out with other filets. Sooner or later, the relationship becomes hard work because the other person just doesn't meet your expectations and pizza can be very fattening without being fulfilling.

Build a beautiful web by being the best you can be. Ask yourself, 'Does this partner allow me to grow and be a better person?" Keep improving on who you are and how you are. Learn, unlearn and learn again every day. You will be surprised at how easy it is to attract the right person when you are at your very best.

Dr Karen Carpenter is a Florida board certified clinical sexologist and psychologist. She is also the host of a radio programme, 'Love & Sex with Dr Karen Carpenter'.