A good man is hard to find

This week's column is for the lovely ladies at Bella Oasis Spa, who reminded me that one should be thankful when one has a good man or woman in one's life. I recently had my nails done and selected a tangerine polish. The nail technician read the label and laughed:

"A good man is hard to find."

"Yes, and a hard man is even better," I joked back.

"No," she said, "That's the name of the nail polish."

"Excellent."

This week I want to acknowledge all the good men and women in our lives.

Good luck Chucks and Irenes

If you've had even one good partner in your life, you know what I'm talking about. When you have been through all the 'good luck Chucks/Irene' and are ready to be loved, then a good partner is a wonderful gift.

For those of you who don't know who 'good luck Chuck' is, it's the name of a movie about an absolute 'player' who brings good luck to the women he dates as soon as they break up with him. Chuck and Irene come into our lives to teach us what we should definitely avoid in our next partner and, at least, in the movie, you meet your life partner immediately after Chuck/Irene. So to all the 'good luck Chucks and Irenes', we say, thank you.

Now, if you have a partner who gives energy to your life, makes your life easier, who is drama-free, does not lie, cheat and isn't lazy, then you probably have the material for a good partner. 'Love & Sex' readers already know the three key ingredients for a great relationship are intellectual, emotional and sexual compatibility.

If you find these, you are ahead. Well, imagine you have a partner who also acts with integrity, is emotionally reliable and has a great sense of humour. I hear readers saying you can't have all of that in one person. Actually, you can, and even more.

To be truly loved

I've been talking a lot to people lately about what it feels like to be loved, truly loved. And I guess the fourth ingredient I would add is safety. You know you are being loved when you experience emotional, physical and intellectual safety with your partner; when you can 'think aloud in their presence'. If you feel safe to express your thoughts, feelings, emotions and dreams in front of your partner, without screening your words, you are probably in a safe place. If your partner can do the same with you then you have a winning combination.

How do you know if you're with Chuck/Irene? If you constantly feel anxious about your relationship; if you are on an emotional roller coaster; if you can't rely on your partner; if you find yourself doing things that go against your core values, then, say goodbye to Chuck and Irene and allow yourself the room to find the partner who is there waiting for you.

Dr Karen Carpenter is a Florida board-certified clinical sexologist and psychologist. She is also the host of a radio programme, 'Love & Sex with Dr. Karen Carpenter'.