Letting go of love

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

"Friends are an integral part of your life, but every friend you have must live life at their own pace. When the time comes and they must leave you, there is no need to grieve over their parting from your life. It is the very essence of life that it should be so. But it hurts and we grieve nonetheless, but we hold them in our hearts forever. Always cherish the joy, laughter, memories and love that they have brought into your lives. Always remember them with a warm smile for what they have given you."

- Quote from the movie: A Beautiful Mind

The year is almost at an end and you may be in a quandary about letting go of your lover, probably due to unsettled differences over time, a big disappointment you had over Christmas not receiving a gift, or shown any appreciation. It is painful to break up with someone who has been dear to you. Helen Keller reminds us that, "when one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us".

A nagging question is, "How does one amicably end a relationship with someone they love?" There is a proper way to end a relationship. Start with some soul-searching and if you feel that your partner is not the right fit, and that you cannot fix the problems you are facing, you may feel compelled to move on. The longer you decide to stay in that unhappy state, the longer you are denying yourself of the happiness you truly deserve. Your next step is to steel yourself and follow a plan that will end the relationship with dignity and grace, and bring the kind of closure that will allow both partners to be on speaking terms and remain friends.

The plan:

1. Meet in person for the break-up, especially if the person is not a physical threat to you. It is only courteous to say goodbye in person in a quiet place where you will be free to talk and have the person's undivided attention. You should not use email or social networks like Twitter or Facebook, or even the telephone. This is in poor taste and only causes undue stress.
2. Decide when and where you want to meet to say goodbye. If you are taking the lead, you can invite your partner out to a location of your choice. You still want to be in a location similar to the times when you were out with this 'great' person.
3. When you meet, maintain your integrity and be honest about how you feel and why you want to leave. Do not resort to bashing, saying unkind things about the person and recite all the faults of the person you once adored. This sets up the meeting for defensive action and, before you know it, a shouting match.
4. Watch your words - do not use phrases like, 'I just want a break' or 'it's not your fault but mine'. This only gives your partner false hope as he or she expects you to reignite the union. If you do want to have a platonic relationship in the future, do not give false hope.
5. If you want to remain friends, this is something to which your partner should agree, and you should respect the decision if he or she does not agree.
6. When you have said your piece, this may be a shock to your partner who will need time to digest the information and ask questions. You should be prepared to answer the questions honestly and prevent the meeting from becoming a shouting match. It is advisable to be gracious and sincere. You may have closure in one meeting, or it may take several other meetings to find closure. You may discover things about yourself that could be helpful in future relationships. Of course, you could be convinced to change your mind.
7.  As time passes, you may find yourself thinking about your ex because you have a void and you are feeling lonely and/or bored. You may even resort to drinking, smoking and gambling. You will feel the urge to call but you must resist this, especially at night, as the reasons you gave for leaving still exist. You would have caused your partner some heartache, so allow time for healing and a chance for the person to get on with his or her life.
8. Allow yourself time before getting into another relationship. Do fun things with your friends - volunteer or read the books or magazines you have collected and have not read.

Being alone does not mean being lonely. Time by yourself allows you to chart a new course for your life and to define the kind of person you will want as a new partner. It is hard to let go of someone you have loved so much, and for so long, in what you anticipated would be a lifetime union.

With this attachment, you get into a habit; and how you spend your day was dependent on how your relationship is going to be with that other person. It is an investment to completely give your heart to another person, so when it fails, you feel empty.

Television personality and relationship expert Dr Phil, in his book Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, suggests that having broken up, you will go through a range of feelings, not necessarily stages of grief. According to Dr Phil, the emotions will not pop up in a specific order and several emotions may play out at once. He suggests that you:

Give your emotions free rein. Cry if you have to - and it is OK to initially feel that you are on autopilot, going through the motions of day to day life. You may not even cry and this is acceptable too, even when you feel guilty for not crying for the loss of someone you loved so much. The spectrum of emotions that you may experience is huge and can range from shock and numbness, to fear and panic, to anger and resentment.

You will find it difficult to accept a future without your ex-lover, and this can cause you to feel empty and alone. This feeling can consume you to the extent that you may not feel like coming out of bed, becoming a recluse and refusing to eat.

Expect guilt. You may experience guilt after the break-up, but you should take the opportunity to give yourself a chance to laugh and relax and not feel guilty about it. Over time, you will gradually start to feel better over the decision you made.

There is no device or quick-fix method to make this feeling go away, to drive away months or years of attachment. For some people, it takes a long time to let something go and move on with their lives. Some fail to let go and never move on with their life. Letting go is critical to releasing emotional baggage.

Letting go of your love does not mean you will stop caring. You will support, but not try to fix everything; you will fear less and love more and you will not regret the past, but joyfully anticipate the future. Most importantly, you will examine your own shortcomings and make attempts to improve them, loving yourself and taking each day as it comes. Celebrate the beauty of life as you live!

Send comments to: heatherl@cwjamaica.com