Doctor's Advice: Addicted to Internet sex

Q I am a bored wife, and I am ashamed to admit that in the last year I have somehow drifted into a habit of Internet sex.

I believe that is unusual in a woman, but I somehow got into it while my husband was away on business. I started looking for love stories on the Net. One thing led to another.

So in the last six months I have become involved in cyber sex with strangers. This was never my intention, but one day I saw an ad pop up which read, 'Enjoy romantic email encounters with new men'.

I found this interesting, so I signed up. Almost immediately I was communicating with men in places as far away as Hawaii and Australia, as well as much closer to home in the Caribbean.

At first, we just talked about the weather and what they were doing that day. But then I got involved with emailing a man in Miami, who seemed very nice and romantic.

We began talking about sex and then we got to a point where we were exchanging intimate information about what we would like to do to each other's bodies. I realised that my emails were capable of giving him an orgasm and this gave me a great feeling of power.

His emails made me very excited and I got in the habit of reading them dressed in only my bra and pants, and sometimes touching myself as I read his words.

This relationship has been going on for several months now. We communicate whenever my husband is away on business. And now he is talking about meeting up, either in Miami or Jamaica.

Doctor, do you think what I'm doing is crazy? What would happen if my husband found out? Would he divorce me?

A The phenomenon of Internet sex has really mushroomed in recent years, with millions of men and women throughout the world getting into it.

It is also known as computer sex, cyber sex or (for some reason) mud sex.

It seems to have a curiously addictive quality, and a lot of men and women have trouble giving it up.

I suppose you could say that it has certain advantages. For instance, you cannot catch a venereal disease through cyber sex. And you cannot get pregnant. Also, you do not have to worry about how the other person looks because the contact is only by email. However, that is now changing, with the advent of web cams.

In your case, it is pretty obvious that you turned to 'cybering' (as it is called) because of a lack of romance in your life, and because your husband is away so much. This electronic relationship with the man in Miami clearly fulfils a need in your life at the moment. I think it is unwise, though understandable.

I imagine that your husband would be very upset if he discovered what you are doing. However, there are some husbands who actually like their wives experimenting sexually.

Would he divorce you? That depends on whether he wants to save your marriage. What you have done does not actually count as adultery, but it is something that a divorce lawyer could use in court, and it would sound pretty bad. I understand that there have already been a few cases in America where people obtained divorces on the grounds of Internet adultery.

What I find alarming is the suggestion that you should actually meet this man. I do think that would be crazy. I feel it is almost inevitable that you would sleep with him. And you can imagine the trouble that could lead to.

It appears to me that the basic trouble is that you are a lonely wife, who is left alone for long periods, and who needs some romance. Your best course would be to talk with your husband about how your marriage could be improved, and how you could spend more time together. Try to persuade him to visit a counsellor with you.

As it relates to your Internet lover, I suspect that your relationship is getting to a dangerous stage. I suggest that you terminate it immediately. If necessary, just switch off your computer and do not use it again for six months!

Q I am a 63-year-old man. Can I safely assume that I can have sex with a young woman, without any risk of becoming a father?

A No. The idea that older men cannot father babies is just a myth. For instance, the famous film star Charlie Chaplin fathered a child at the age of 73. Many men in their 60s and 70s have achieved paternity.

Q Doctor, I am approaching menopause. Is HRT safe?

A Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is very good for relieving menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, sweating attacks and vaginal dryness.

But we now know that it can have a lot of very uncomfortable side effects, like clotting (thrombosis). Therefore, women should only take it long enough to relieve the menopausal symptoms.

The old idea of staying on HRT for life has now been abandoned.

Q I am a man in his 50s, and recently I have noticed that at times I am slightly dribbling urine. Also, I have to rush to the bathroom to urinate and sometimes get up four times for the night.

Could this be prostate related or cancer?

A The symptoms you describe certainly are those of prostate enlargement, which eventually affects most men. But benign (that is, non-cancerous) enlargement of the prostate is very common.

Clearly, you should see a doctor right away for a prostate examination and related tests.

Q I am a 20-year-old man. I am not a virgin and I am seriously considering having a sexual relationship with a 50-year-old woman who is a mother of six.

My friends think I am crazy, and say that she cannot satisfy me. What is your opinion, Doctor?

A Well, these 'spring and autumn' relationships do occur, and sometimes they work out. You could learn a lot from this woman.

Please bear in mind that she could still be fertile, so you need to think about contraception. Also, women 50 and over are not immune from sexually transmitted infections.

As the mother of six children, she will almost inevitably feel 'different' than your other partners, but that does not matter. Please treat her with respect.

Send feedback/questions to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.