DOCTOR'S ADVICE -Is her man unfaithful?

Q Doctor, do you think my husband is seeing another woman?  We have been happily married for nearly 20 years. He is around 10 years older than me. We have three beautiful children. Until recently, we had a really good sex life, making love several times a week. I really enjoyed it. But in the last few months I have been distressed to find that he keeps turning away from me in bed at night. If I suggest sex, he just mutters something about 'being tired', then rolls over and faces the wall. What do you think is going on? I fear that he no longer finds me attractive, and that he is having sex with another woman.

A . Well, I do not think that is a very likely explanation. I think it is far more probable that the reason this poor man is turning away from you is that he is in deep distress about his sexual potency. In other words, he probably has what they used to call impotence, but which is now known as erectile dysfunction (ED).

Again and again I have seen men behave like this when they first 'lose their nature'. They suddenly find that they can no longer get a good erection. This wounds them to the core, because they mistakenly fear that they are no longer 'real men'.

Alas, in many cases, they do not tell their wives about the problem. Instead, they keep their distress to themselves, and just try to avoid sex. That, in my opinion, is exactly what your husband has been doing.

So, I urge you talk to him, and say that you think he may have been having a little difficulty with erections recently. Explain to him that you still love him, and that he will always have your support and encouragement.

It is very likely that he will be willing to speak to you about his inability to get a good erection, and to tell you how he feels. Then you should explain to him that this problem is not his fault, and that it needs medical attention.

Please tell him that these days, the great majority of cases of erectile dysfunction can be helped by doctors. The essential thing is to see a doctor and have a physical examination, plus a test for diabetes. So please: start talking NOW.

Q I recently stayed in a cheap hotel in Miami. After that, I noticed that I had a lot of painful, itchy lumps on my arms and legs. Then a friend in Florida wrote me to say that the hotel had been found to have bed bugs! What are these, please? And is my health now in danger?

A. Bed bugs have become extraordinarily common in America and some other countries during the last few years.

They are tiny insects whose scientific name is Cimicidae. They live mainly in the frames of beds. At night, they come out, bite whoever is sleeping in the bed, because they need blood to feed on, and then return to their lairs. Fortunately, it is believed that bed bugs do not carry any serious diseases. But you should see a doctor and just have these skin bumps checked out.

Q I think I am unusual among women because I have always enjoyed discreetly looking at pornography. Now that we have the Internet, it is really easy for me to look at it for an hour or so each day, while my husband is out.

However, in recent months, I have been increasingly attracted to a form of pornography in which you are invited to link up with someone else and exchange sexy talk with them. I did this on a couple of occasions, and I am well aware that the man with whom I was in contact was masturbating as we emailed each other. He encouraged me to do the same. I feel a little guilty about this. Is there any harm in it?

A. I would say so. Of course, you are not literally committing adultery. But your husband would probably feel that you are being unfaithful to him. If he found out what you are doing, that could cause big problems for your marriage.

In some countries, this kind of email activity has been held to be sufficient grounds for divorce. What concerns me is that when a woman starts doing that kind of thing, it is all too easy for her to think that she might go a bit further and actually meet her electronic lover. That really could be disastrous for the marriage. I feel that you should try and stop this 'sex by email'.

Q My wife and I sometimes use a vibrator. It has proved really useful in helping her to reach an orgasm. But sometimes she likes me to actually put it inside her. Is that OK, Doc?

A. Vibrators have proved very useful in assisting women who have trouble in reaching an orgasm. This is mainly because they vibrate so fast, thereby providing an intense stimulus. Yes, it is perfectly OK to put the vibrator inside the vagina. Many of them are designed for that very purpose. But after use, make sure that you wash it thoroughly and dry it.

Q Please advise me about my menses, Doctor. Although I am now 52, they remain absolutely regular, arriving every 28 days and lasting exactly four days. I cope with them very well. Do you think I won't ever experience menopause?

A. Menopause will arrive one day soon. But it's good that your periods have remained so regular, and that you can cope with them so well. With luck, one month they will just not happen at all, and that will be that. Maybe you will be one of those women who sail through menopause without any big problems.

Q I am a 35-year-old man, and I have recently acquired a new girlfriend. To my surprise, I become quite sore for several hours after having sex with her. Why is this, Doctor? Is it to do with the fact that she has never had any children, while all my recent partners had had several babies?

A. Well, that could be a factor. Few people realise that women who have never had a child usually have vaginas that are slightly smaller in diameter than those of women who have been through childbirth.

There are other possibilities. For instance, one or both of you could have a slight yeast infection. Or maybe she is not getting enough foreplay, with the result that she is producing insufficient natural lubricant. And it could be that you are not getting her to relax enough, so that her muscles are a little too tight during sex.

All in all, I think the best thing would be for both of you to consult a doctor who is knowledgeable about sexual matters. She can give you both a check-up, and then provide a definitive answer to the problem.

Send feedback/questions to: editor@gleanerjm.com. Also, read Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.