Doctor's Advice - Is he the father of his sons?

• Q.  Good day. I wonder if you could help me with a question regarding the possibility of my wife's infidelity. We have been married for almost 25 years, and we have two sons, ages 21 and 22. They are good boys and I love them. But we have an old friend who has always been close to us. He seems to get on remarkably well with my boys. They like him a lot, and sometimes it seems to me that they have adopted some of his characteristics, such as his very polite manners. Also, they are about the same height and build as he.

Doctor, I do remember that 20-odd years ago I was away a lot on business. At that time, it seems he was always around. He used to help out with urgent repair jobs around the house, and sometimes he would take my wife to the shopping plaza in his car. Now I have been thinking things over. I have tried to work out the dates on which my sons were conceived, and I am wondering whether I was actually away at that time.

But maybe I have my maths wrong! So, please tell me, Doctor, how do you actually work out the date on which a child was conceived? I cannot stop thinking about the possibility that my wife was unfaithful and that our boys are not mine. Could I arrange DNA testing to find out the truth? I have heard that it is possible to do that without any of the involved parties knowing about it.

A. This is a very difficult situation, and you must be careful not to make things worse.

To be honest, you practically have no evidence on which to base your theory that your friend is the father of the children. I wonder why you have suddenly started worrying about this. Are things not going well in your marriage?

You can take a child's birth date and work out roughly when he or she was conceived. But I do emphasise the word 'roughly'.

What you do is write down the baby's date of birth. Then subtract nine months and one week. That gives you the approximate day of the woman's last menstrual period (LMP) before the pregnancy. Then add two weeks - and you have a guesstimate of the date on which she actually got pregnant.

Let me give you an example. If a baby is born on August 29, it is probable that his mother's last menses started about nine months and one week previously, which was around November 22.

So, the likeliest date of conception would be two weeks after that - which was December 6.

Now, you do this calculation and then try and work out - maybe from old diaries - whether you were around at that time.

However, any midwife or doctor will tell you that this formula is subject to all sorts of variables. The most common is that either of your sons could have arrived slightly early, or late.

Using DNA to establish paternity is very expensive. And you would need samples from your sons, you, your wife, and from your friend as well. The four tests would cost a lot.

It is possible to test a person's DNA without them knowing. It can be done by taking strands of hair from a comb or brush. It has also been done by obtaining a tissue into which the 'subject' has blown their nose. There are various ways.

However, you would be invading other people's privacy. And it is possible that you could be sued for taking this course of action.

So, I would strongly advise you against taking surreptitious samples. You could be stirring up a hornets' nest.

Instead, why not sit down calmly with your wife and discuss your fears with her? Try not to be accusatory. Depending on what she tells you, it might be a good idea for the two of you to see a good marriage counsellor.

• Q. I am a 32-year-old woman with an active sex life. Lately I have been having a strange sensation in my private parts, following a hospital admission. It is as though something was vibrating inside the right side of my vagina. It isn't painful, but it scares me.

A There is nothing to be scared of. An astonishing number of women develop vibrating or twitching sensations in and around the vagina. This symptom is not caused from using a sex vibrator.

In certain cases, the vibration starts after some gynaecological procedure or operation. Experts theorise that the twitching feeling occurs because there has been some unusual pressure on a nerve near the vagina. Fortunately, the sensation usually goes away after a few months. You can read about the experiences of many other women with this symptom if you Google 'Cherie vibrating vaginas'.

• Q. I am a male in my 30s, and whenever I take an aspirin, I experience really bad pain at the top of my belly. Is this serious?

A. No, but you should not take any product that contains aspirin. If you do, you could develop an ulcer.

• Q. I am a newly married woman and I do not know much about sex. I have noticed that just before we have intercourse, my husband quite often holds his organ in his hand, and rubs it a little. Is this masturbation? And is he abnormal?

A. Your husband is perfectly normal. A lot of men do this just before having sex. It is just an instinctive way of making sure that their erection is hard enough to achieve penetration.

• Q. Last week, my husband had a few nights of severe fever and intense pain throughout his body and behind his eyes. Do you think this could have been dengue?

A. Very possibly. A doctor could send a blood test to the lab in order to check the diagnosis. If mosquitoes are carrying dengue in your area, it is extremely important that you ensure that there is no stagnant water lying around anywhere. They cannot breed without water.

Q At age 44, am I too old to have a circumcision?

A. No, you can have it done at any age. But please make sure that you really need to have this operation. Quite often, many men convince themselves that the operation would help their sex lives. And it doesn't.

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