Garth Rattray | Intimacy versus ‘intermessy’

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. It is celebrated every February 14. On Valentine’s Day people overtly express their affection to that special someone, or even to friends with flowers, chocolate, other gifts or going on a date. The day was named after [martyred] third-century Roman, Saint Valentine. He was executed by order of Emperor Claudius II because he defied the emperor’s orders by marrying soldiers. It was forbidden by the emperor because he wanted all soldiers to remain single.

Valentine’s Day has roots in the pagan festival Lupercalia, which was in mid-February. It wasn’t until the 14th Century that Valentine’s Day was associated with romance. Both Valentine’s Day and Christmas Day are aligned with pagan events. And interestingly, both have been heavily commercialised.

Normal human beings have urges for being together with other people. Being close to someone else usually leads to physical intimacy. Religious people sometimes wait until they are bound together by marriage, but those are in the minority.

Physical intimacy is a way to connect with someone through physical contact. It can include a wide range of actions, from holding hands to sexual intercourse. It can occur in many types of relationships, including romantic, familial, and platonic.

Physical intimacy is about touch and closeness between bodies. In a romantic relationship, it might include holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and sexual intercourse. Your relationship doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic to have physical intimacy. A warm, tight hug is an example of physical intimacy with a friend.

Despite widespread romance and intimacy, statistics show that only 42 per cent of couples in Jamaica live together in a marriage or common law relationship with a child. This is an increase from 20 per cent since Jamaica’s independence in 1962. According to The Economist, Jamaica’s marriage rate is 6.4 per 1,000 population. Our rate is moderate in comparison to other regions. It is a little lower than the US (5.1 per 1,000), but higher than Canada (2.6 per 1,000).

DISAPPOINTING

It may be disappointing to learn that, although we are supposed to be greater than the lower animals, much of our actions is driven by hormones, chemicals that are secreted by glands within our bodies. What we do and how we act are often dictated by biochemistry, not by our superior brain … not by our much-vaunted intellect.

Our initial attraction to someone is often driven by the hormone dopamine. It is a neurotransmitter which acts on areas of the brain to cause a feeling of pleasure, satisfaction and motivation. It also has a role in memory, mood, sleep, learning, concentration, movement and other body functions. It is the feel-good hormone that is part of our reward system. It is released when we feel joy, eat tasty food, win something, earn money, go shopping, and have sexual intercourse. It can therefore be very addictive.

It floods our brains if we become infatuated with someone. It is responsible for ‘puppy love’ and ‘falling in love’. It can cause people to stay awake at nights thinking about the subject of their affection and unable to focus, daydreaming about that individual. It can make people become obsessed with someone and make them do dopey things. That’s how I remember dopamine, it can make you dopey. This hormone is potentially dangerous when it is affecting the brains of people who are prone to addictions and/or violence.

Many relationships transition from dopamine-driven emotions to oxytocin-driven emotions. Oxytocin is the hormone responsible for long-term, mature, deep love. It is why we feel strongly about protecting our loved ones. It builds trust and promotes positive social attitudes and behaviours. It lowers stress and anxiety and builds empathy and bonding. It is the hormone that induces labour and (later) brings about the release of breast milk in nursing mothers. It is the nurturing hormone, the ‘love hormone’, the ‘cuddle chemical’.

CALMING

Oxytocin is calming, it is around when there are lasting relationships. It assists in sexual arousal and increases during orgasms. Couples who stay together for a long time are thriving on oxytocin. It is the safe, non-violent and forgiving hormone. The bonding caused by oxytocin is strong and unselfish. This chemical allows someone to genuinely wish their special someone well, even if that special someone decides to move on.

Being aware of what is driving your thoughts, your feelings for someone is very important. It is unwise to get too much involved with someone who causes a lot of sparks to fly. dopamine causes sparks, it makes you do silly things, can lead to violence (if you are so inclined) and it is not lasting.

Dopamine is the hormone that bathes the brains of those who commit so-called crimes of passion. This chemical facilitates those murder suicide events that we see every so often on the news. Oxytocin never causes such behaviour. It is calming and understanding. it will allow you to endure emotional pain if someone that you love walks out of your life.

It behoves us to employ that superior God-given mind of ours. We need to discern between intimacy and ‘intermessy’. We should look within ourselves and see if that attraction will lead to a loving relationship or to a messy affair with heartache and stress. Is what you’re feeling caused by dopamine or by oxytocin?

If we feel a deep, protective, nurturing, self-sacrificial love for someone, then, no matter what happens, it won’t be messy.

Garth Rattray is a medical doctor with a family practice, and author of ‘The Long and Short of Thick and Thin’. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and garthrattray@gmail.com.