Sun | Oct 20, 2019

Being a man’s refuge

Published:Monday | June 24, 2019 | 12:20 AM

Time to face the music. Most women have a little cuckoo in them and some unleash it on a man when he least expects it. Is he deserving of the ‘cuss out’? Perhaps. You will, however, lose brownie points when your ‘how’ outweighs your ‘what’. When you bring up trivial matters in unimaginable, or dare I say awfully cliché ways, that not only infuriates on delivery and upsets his spirit thereafter. He is left with no choice but to cower in fear of your words and actions, and make plans to avoid you altogether. So instead of recklessly driving down rocky terrain, why not take the high road and shift to cruise control down the smooth avenue of refuge street?

Here are innovative ways you can ditch those wicked deeds so that you can cater to your man’s wants and his needs:

It’s a molehill, not a mountain

Have you ever had some incredibly ridiculous arguments and not even remember what caused them in the first place? That’s because chances are, it was a molehill, something so minor that it can’t even be recounted. But because it might be a repeat offence in a different form, you make a mountain out of it. His reaction wasn’t to your liking, you make an even bigger mountain out of it and declare war. In that moment, he becomes your private enemy number one and nobody wants that. So instead of lashing out, calmly point out the particular problem at hand, change that tone from accusatory to concern and see where that path takes you. Open it up for a discussion. Also, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” It doesn’t have to only be a scripture reading, it can be your way of life, especially as you take this unique journey as lovers together. Don’t play with fire and be upset when you burn your house down. Walk away from the lighter and into the insightful light of happiness.

The art of suggestion

So many women miss their opportunity of showcasing the art of suggestion because they’re too busy throwing out ultimatums. Here’s a suggestion: just don’t. Ultimatums never end well. If he makes the choice you didn’t like, your plan is to punish him for his mistakes: well, who died and made you Lucifer? How about rather than draw up demands, you hear out his side and suggest ways to move forward. Discuss the issue and come up with a compromise. In the event that talking turns to arguing, you can just agree to disagree, as long as you respectfully stated your piece and, greater than that, respectfully listened to your significant other’s opinion and took it into serious consideration.

Breather vs silent treatment

There’s just no easy way to say this: let go of the silent treatment. Dishing out the cold condition only exacerbates an already horrible situation, especially since oftentimes, this is declared after a huge blowout. It always best to talk it out, but in the event that things get a little too heated and you have to get out of that kitchen, do it. Take a breather. If your boo asks why you can’t talk things out, you can be gentle but upfront and say you just need a moment. Gather your bearings and return fresh to the table. By then, a little time would have passed and both sides may have been able to seek clarity. Please note: the silent treatment is expressed out of spite as opposed to taking a breather, which is done out of respect.

Mean vs Nice

So you have had the worst day yet and here comes your boyfriend or husband at the end of it all. Instead of confiding in him about the wrongs of your day, you find yourself retaliating. But he wasn’t the one at battle. You paint him as the villain but he is now a victim being held hostage by your tyranny. When he tries to break free, you taunt and tease him as he takes that path. Could this crisis have been averted? Of course! Greet him with open arms and before you project your bad energy on him, put him first by inquiring about his day. If it was great, celebrate his win and confide in him, allowing him to console through the loss of yours. If it was bad, then you both share that commonality and can comfort each other during that time. You both could use a distraction from your sour day. So add sweetness to the mix and spice up your night.

Show genuine interest in him

Nothing turns off a man more than a nonchalant woman. Men thrive on the attention and affection from their rib. But there has to be a balance. Knowing your partner is key to becoming his ultimate refuge. So he had a terrible day: that much is obvious. Once you asked about it and he was willing to talk, you have to be eking to listen. Here’s where it gets tricky: he may desire your advice or he just wants you to be his soundboard. Tread lightly and see where it goes. If you questioned him about how his day went and he said he doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t push it. You can leave your door of comfort ajar by letting him know that you’re here for him whenever he’s ready to talk. If you have an emotionally complicated love: if he is one who will say absolutely nothing, sit in silence with him, just so he knows that he is not alone in whatever he is going through. And if he asks for space, be his genie and grant his wish. He probably needs time to reset and thinks he is no good to you if he’s angry.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com